Nannie

My Nannie died today. I will miss her... as she was when I first met her. You see, she had a disease that stole her memory and her life. Even so, her life was such a blessing to me. She loved me, with the real kind of love that never quits. I will never forget her, and I love her even still. My family and I will gather in a few days to say our final goodbyes to her on this earth, but in heaven, we will be together forever.

Out with the Old and in with the New

New Years is about more than just a change of the yearly calendar. It can also be about other changes if we should so desire. We can use this time of year to de-clutter our own homes. I have been going through our clothes and what a pile I have to get rid of! I have also been going through the kids toys. Again... the get rid of pile was massive! With Christmas quickly approaching, I had to get rid of some things in order to prepare for the new things on the way. It is also that way with our spiritual self. We need to de-clutter our minds on occasion to get rid of the old unused things and re fill it with new gems of truth from the word of God! I just wanted to share these thoughts on my heart. Merry Christmas! Please, don't get so busy this time of year to neglect the most important reason of the season... JESUS!

Wait

Waiting has always been tough on me, but it was especially tough when I was forced to wait on test results that could change my life. The doctor spotted a mass and so I had to have further testing to see if it might be cancer. Cancer, in my mind, brings death. I realize that there are many cancer survivors... and for that I am very thankful. Yet, when I had to wait on the results, the grimness of the possibilities tormented my mind. What would happen to my husband and my children? Would they remember me? I was thirteen years old when my own birth mother died in a automobile accident. My brothers were eleven and seven. We do not remember very much about her at all. God blessed us with another Momma, and she raised us very well. To begin with, I fought her tooth and nail... (after all, I do have auburn hair, and I was her step child) but over the years, a bond grew between us, and now I love her so much, that I cannot imagine her not being in my life. Being a Mom is more than giving birth, it is sticking with the children through thick and thin. For better or for worse. Until death do us part. The Real McCoy... so to speak. It is being there, not only for the award ceremonies but also for the broken hearts of teenage relationships. It is listening to you at two in the morning as you talk about some crazy boy, and then getting up at five in the same morning to go to your job. My Mom has always been there for me when I needed her. She stuck with me even when my Dad disowned me. So, the chances of my children actually remembering me would be slim. What would they be told about me? I even was tormented about my laundry... I mean I thought... "If I die today, someone will see that I am behind on my laundry" ... that really bothered me! I am being for real! It is amazing at the thoughts that rush through your head as you wait. Wait means to remain inactive or in a state of repose, as until something expected happens. I can't say I was inactive... but I was definitely preoccupied with the question about the outcome of the tests. Because I was unsure of the results, my husband and I decided not to tell very many people. I told my sister in law, my aunt, my friend at church, my friend from holiness home educators, and my husband told our pastor, his parents, and a friend of his from church. I did not tell my Momma, because we live several hours apart, and I didn't want her to worry unless the results were bad. I had to wait for two days. Finally, the call came, and the nurse told me my ultrasound was normal. I thanked her and hung up. That was that. No crying, maybe because I had already cried so much out of worry. No jumping up and down, because our children were in the room with me, and they didn't know anything about any of it. They did ask who called, and I told them my doctor. They asked me why, and I said to tell me I am normal. They liked that! I never thought about the way waiting can affect you. I have known many people who had to wait on results and I never really thought about it. I guess I thought that the worry would come if the results were bad... not during the waiting... but the unknown is sometimes more scary than knowing something bad is coming. When you know something bad is coming, you can prepare... but when you don't know... it is so uncontrollable. I like to be in control of my life. As a Christian, I realize that God is the One who should be in control, and He is, but I like to know as much as I can so I can be prepared. Last night, I had to get to the place where I honestly felt that no matter what the results were, I would be okay, because God's plan is always perfect. He never says "oops"! I say it more often than I like! I am so thankful that I can trust Him with the uncontrollable things in my life, and know that His ways are always best. He never makes mistakes. Once I remembered that, I slept just fine, and waiting was so much easier. The only real peace that I have comes from my God!

One word can change everything

Life as a Mom can be hectic to say the least. Planning Thanksgiving activities, Christmas activities, New Years Activities, Church events, managing the household, school related events, not to mention participating in the various volunteer events can lead to giving the word multitasking new meaning. Yet even as hectic as our lives become, everything can change with just one word.
Usually, as Mom's, we tend to put our own physical pains and discomforts aside in order to keep the families needs met. It is not at all uncommon for Mom's to realize at the end of the day that the headache they have is largely because of the fact that they forgot to eat anything that day. Keeping schedules in order and maintaining the household is very much a full time job. Then, added to that, are the Mom's that do all the above, along with clock into a full time job every day. It is no wonder that time to think of "self" is so many times pushed aside until it refuses to be ignored.
Certain degree's of pain can be dealt with uneventfully, while other degrees of pain refuse to be ignored, and scream for the undivided attention of the recipient. Yet, even then, many Moms face the guilt of focusing on themselves, for any reason, even pain. Especially if the Mom has been diagnosed with a chronic illness; the guilt of the time spent with doctors and in bed can rage the mind and haunt the imaginations. I know. I have Fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed after the birth of our third child. There are days that I simply can not function. Thankfully, due to the current medications I am taking, those days are fewer than previously. Any time I hurt now, I feel the guilt of being unable to manage the daily tasks for the home and family. When the pain becomes unbearable, then I let my husband know and we head to the doctor... again. When my frequent stomach pains turned into spasms, I could not eat or drink without pain. Once again, my husband took me to the doctor. I was given some medicine and told to stay away from spicy food. I took the medicine faithfully, and when it was gone, my pain still continued. It even seemed to get worse. My husband took me to the ER and the doctor gave me a pill, ordered blood work, and an X ray. Then I was sent home and told to follow up with the doctor on call in 2 days. Our plans for Thanksgiving travel were ruined, and we had to stay home. Thankfully, my in laws live a few miles away, and we were able to spend the day with them. At the follow up, the doctor began to ask me the usual questions, and decided to obtain a copy of the records from the ER visit. The X ray results stated that I have a mass in my pelvis. He asked me if I knew about the mass... and I did not. He showed shock, and then told me that he would need to order an ultrasound to view the mass and decide what to do.
Mass - a body of coherent matter, usually of indefinite shape and often of considerable size.
That one word brought so many thoughts into my mind ... it is not even funny! To begin with... I tried to remain calm, rational, optimistic. After all, a mass could be nothing to worry about at all... Right? Of course, the fearful thoughts began to plague my mind. Slowly they began to torment my thoughts. What would happen if I died? Who would be there for my husband and our children? I want to be there for them. When I die, I am prepared to go to heaven, but I always thought I would be allot older than I am right now.
The ultrasound was scheduled for 2 days later. TWO WHOLE DAYS! The thoughts progressively got worse. I really tried to be optimistic, and still continue to try and think positively. Isn't that what I am supposed to do?
This morning was the ultrasound. My wonderful sister in law went with me for it. The ultrasound tech. called me back, and I prepared for the exam. She didn't have the screen in view and so I could only see her expressions. She looked blank to me... and then I wondered if she saw it... and what she thought. Surely she had seen cancer before... did she think it looked like cancer... or not? She said she could not say. She explained that the exam was over, and that the radiologist would review the results and then call the doctor. Then I would get a call with the results. I asked how long and she said maybe tomorrow... but for sure by the next day! Triple diple UGH!!! 2 MORE DAYS! I know that regardless of the outcome... God has a plan. I KNOW THAT! Sometimes I am like a kid that has been told "You will understand when you grow up" and I would like to know now. Of course... I am sure there would be many times I would be thankful not to know ahead of time.
So that is how one little word changed everything. I never really thought about what it is like to be told... you have a mass. The waiting is very hard. Patience is not fun to endure... but it is a part of the plan. For me it is another reminder that you truly never know what someone is feeling unless you are them. This one little word has changed me forever. I only pray it changes me for the better.

Out of the mouths of babes...

	I was having a sad-face day. Then I ran across these hilarious letters on a random page. I hope it makes more people laugh! Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have? -Jane Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry Dear GOD, If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes. -Mickey Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan Dear GOD, In school they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on vacation? -Jane Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does "beget" mean? Nobody will tell me. -Love, Alison Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is it just a trick? -Lucy Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita Dear GOD, Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil Dear GOD, What does it mean you are a Jealous God? I thought you had everything. -Jane Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. -Darla Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell you who I am). Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L. Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. -Bruce Dear GOD, If we come back as something - please don't let me be Mary Horton because I hate her. -Denise Dear GOD, If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -Raphael Dear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -Dean Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M. Dear GOD, I think about you sometimes even when I'm not praying. -Elliott Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for you I like Noah and David the best. -Rob Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? -Marsha Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. -Love, Chris Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. -Sincerely, Donna Dear GOD, The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with you. That's what I would do. -Eddie Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are GOD already. -Charles Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool. -Eugene