random thoughts

I woke up cold this morning.  It was still dark outside. Immediately,  I call out to my husband, and ask him to turn on the heater. He did. He's awesome like that.
I had a message from a friend last night. A voicemail. Apparently she called about five minutes after the school called yet again about the yearbook sale or the games...and so I never checked the voicemail.  She called me today. Bonus...we get to keep her baby overnight!!! 
Parvo struck our house...again...we lost another puppy. Got the other one on meds. I hate barf.
Bought chicken for the fellowship meeting after church. Got a pizza for immediate consumption... got busy and ended up actually forgetting to eat....again.
It's dark when I come to work now. Thanks to the fall back time change. Saw a shooting star. Made me smile. Saw the deer under Mr J's pear tree...there are a couple of bucks. I heard them grunt sort of...when I took copper out to potty.
I'm hungry. It's almost ten. Ugh.

Slinky kinda days

It's easy to assume you know what a person is thinking. It's easy to believe someone else can just do it. It's easy to make cute little sunshine filled comments to people who are down in the dumps.
It's hard to be down in the dumps. It's hard to live with a chronic illness. It's hard to have your whole world turned upside down. It's hard to hear the sunshine filled cute little comments when you just need a hug or even acknowledgement that the trial is real. It's hard to hear comments about missing you in church when you are just trying to breathe.
I can not imagine going one more second alone, and I.am.so.very.glad.Jesus.still. believes.in.me. I'm so glad I have lived thru these things because it has painfully opened my eyes to how smiles and cheer filled comments are not always the balm needed to ease some of the pain.
Though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death, thou art with me. Psalm 23
When you walk through the dark, it is a scary thing, it doesn't mean you are impossibly lost, it means you need a flashlight. I just want to be that flashlight... for someone in the dark. I want Jesus to use my pain and my tears and all of the guilty feelings of complaining every time I try to talk about my family or our life.
Only.God.knows.  I never imagined what it meant to be deeply depressed before. I never understood the pain of the misconceptions people have toward an unwilling person in pain. It's so easy to assume you know why...when in reality ...I don't know why. I just know it's hard to breathe in suffocating circumstances.  I also know it's scary being alone in the dark. It's terrible to feel like you can't explain to ANYONE exactly how you really feel or especially what all you are living through because it's just to much like being a whiny baby...or the person you avoid because they list everything that's wrong with them...in.detail.
When it is the hardest thing you've ever done to get out of bed. It's incredibly hard to get ready... to.go.anywhere.  It's excruciating to meet family and friends because you have no idea how to answer that neverending question of...how are you...or even worse....how is your husband.
I can remember when I could not imagine the things I live with everyday. I sure miss those times of happy blissful ignorance... cause this pain...this neverending
....solitude...well it's the hardest thing I've ever known. I am so glad I do have Jesus! I would not even want to breathe another second without him.
This is my life. As good, as bad, and as ugly as it gets...I have a heaven to gain and a hell to shun.
Sometimes it's the little things that cut the deepest.
Miss you......I'm hearing you need to pray through and get yourself back to church every service......I'm just trying to survive from second to second. I'm just trying to figure out how I can breathe.
I cannot stop. I cannot ever stop... because I have my precious husband who needs me to love and support him...and I have our three blessings from God who need me to help them to keep breathing... because the pain is greater.... but I have to keep reminding myself and all of them...that Godis.greater.

God has our backs. The battle is His and victory is sweet.

No, I do not feel victorious, but I dare to believe my Savior, my redeemer, my best friend....my father in heaven...Jesus!

I also think about how many times little comments cause me the most pain...and the person who said it doesn't have any idea how painful it is...and I pray that I don't use words to hurt...I pray I use words that only uplift my Savior... I pray I use words to point everyone to Jesus.

Sigh....OK I'm done with the soapbox....for now.....next......

Monday Mini-thoughts (:

Today I thought about friends. Everyone has friends. There are different types of friends, and I can choose which type of friend I will be.
Fun time friend: there with bells on ready to play. If problems arise they are quick to say ...see you later.
Crowd pleaser: one of the crowd. When the crowd leaves you behind...so does this friend.
Religious friend: is your friend but only if you attend their church and live the way they do.
Garbage man friend: always there for you to hear all the garbage they have in their landfill minds.
Forever friends: are there for you in the good, the bad, and especially in the ugly. They help when needed and give you space when needed. Years may pass between meetings...but these friends can pick up right where they left off.

I wanna be a forever friend.  The Bible says the way to have a friend is to be one.
When I become the type of friend I so long for...God will bless me with the right forever friends. He's awesome like that!

Wordless Wednesday

Autumn is here

As long as I can remember,  I have loved the season of Autumn most. It's not that I don't love the other seasons, it's more that most of My favorite memories occurred in Autumn.
As a young girl, I would play the mash game and imagine a variety of children with a variety of names. I had the homes all decorated and the yards planned. Just had to wait for the husband. Lol One of the name I have always loved is Shiloh Autumn... now it is still a romantic favorite of mine...but never a realistic suggestion. It seems too flower childish to me for realistic use. Lol
I love raking the leaves up into piles and jumping in them. I love bonfires with Gordian and smores... especially sticky marshmallow roasted to perfection. I love candy corn and those little candy pumpkins. I love Carmel apples and pumpkin everything.  I love pumpkin farms and mums. I love sweaters and hayrides with lots of cuddles and singing as loudly as possible. I love doing these things and more...especially when I do them with people I LOVE. I think that is the key...My family and friends gave me My precious Autumn memories...and I look forward to making many more memories this year!!!

Books i have loved

Oh my goodness. That's soooo aggravating.  I had one of my best blogs yet...almost finished...and my phone deleted it. #welldonephone#dumbphone

Perfect love casteth out fear

I have discovered that I fear many more things than I realized.  When I initially hear the word Fear, I am thinking snakes, spiders, villans from scary stories, (I am not even going to begin the spiritual side of fears). These things are scary,  don't get me wrong, and yet I have found other fears, even greater in their life impact. Mental games scare me. When people use the human emotions like toys most definitely scares me.
I am so thankful that the only perfect love is from Jesus and that when We have him as our Savior,  His love becomes a part of us.
Perfect love casteth out fear.
All.fear.
Jesus enables us to show His love and He casts out our fears.
Thank God.
I have had family say the words "I love you" and those family members had strings attached. It is like they should have said "I love you if... " or "I love you unless..."
Jesus has the only love without strings.
He shares His love with His followers. I have found that people who follow Him freely share their love with others...the love Jesus shared with them.
I am amazed at the way the stories of our lives unfold. My life is unfolding like a flower quickly fading, and as long as I keep Him first, the final ending of my story will be great.
It is so very precious that Jesus takes the time to be mindful of me. My wants. My hearts desires. When I realize He has fulfilled a desire of my heart, and covered my pain with His perfect love, and in His perfect way, it astonishes me.
I can see His handiwork in my life as I travel the avenues of my memory.  I can see His handiwork in my daily life.
I can never Thank Him enough. 
So if you are a part of my life, I count you as a very specific blessing, a very intricate gift, from Jesus and for you I am thankful.
No matter how many seconds or how many years We have known each other, I know God has given us each other as a part of His precious plan for our lives. He used you to cast out some of my fears. Thanks(: