True Confessions of a wounded soldier part 2

Hello my name is hurt.  It's painful to hear words spoken by a dear friend or family member about you.  It's hard to hear,  it causes you to lose trust,  and ignites distrust at such a high degree that it's hard to allow my hurting heart to trust anyone.  I am here.  I have heard painful things said about me by very dear loved ones in my life.  I do not hate them.  I still love them.  It is hard to go anywhere I know they will be.  It's hard to imagine how years of friendship can be thrown away in a few minutes of gossip.  I guess what's hurt me the most is the realization that I am guilty.  This pain caused by my friend hurts and I do not like it and yet as I think back over my life I am ashamed to say that I have allowed myself to gossip about some of my closest friends and family.  God helping me... Never again for this white girl. 
I am so very sorry for many words and actions and reactions I've had over the years.  Believe me when I say I truly understand now.  I have completely switched places with one dear friend and I hurt for what she went through every day because I'm now going through much of the same. I didn't understand her decisions.  I didn't understand her pain.  I gave short quick advice to her and shared the prayer requests with a few other people.  Much of the prayer requests were gossip.  I am so ashamed.  The bible says we will reap what we sow.  So very true. 
It hurts more because it is more than one person saying more than one thing and honestly none of it is any of their business.  I trusted one individual with some information when I needed someone to talk to,  to pray with,  to help... And that very information was told to me by another mutual acquaintance... I had only shared this particular experience with the one person so there isn't a doubt who squealed.  It's also painful to hear loved ones judge me or my family about something they do not understand... Or worse.... When I am judged about something that they allow in their home and lives.  What is up with that? 
If there is one thing I have learned in my dark times of deep pain,  it is that I want to let people know I love them.  I want them to know I am praying for them,  and I do not need any details of gossip because my God knows all about it and He is the only one who can change it... So basically I only want need to know information.  No more no less.... And I really would love all my friends and family to accept the same.  One thing I can say without hesitation is if u have never been where I am then please don't tell me any advice.  Just pray.  I don't need my phone blown up with texts about encouragement ten million times a day.  I have JESUS and He is helping me.  Please just pray.  Maybe we should all just stop talking about it and try praying about it.  Be very careful in spreading too much information while requesting prayer.... That's gossip.  Truly.  I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be but I am wounded and I am healing.  Consider this my Rehabilitation.  Now if I can quit hearing all the yada yada yada.  Only speak to me if what you have to say is more beautiful than silence. 

Slinky kinda days

It's easy to assume you know what a person is thinking. It's easy to believe someone else can just do it. It's easy to make cute little sunshine filled comments to people who are down in the dumps.
It's hard to be down in the dumps. It's hard to live with a chronic illness. It's hard to have your whole world turned upside down. It's hard to hear the sunshine filled cute little comments when you just need a hug or even acknowledgement that the trial is real. It's hard to hear comments about missing you in church when you are just trying to breathe.
I can not imagine going one more second alone, and I.am.so.very.glad.Jesus.still. believes.in.me. I'm so glad I have lived thru these things because it has painfully opened my eyes to how smiles and cheer filled comments are not always the balm needed to ease some of the pain.
Though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death, thou art with me. Psalm 23
When you walk through the dark, it is a scary thing, it doesn't mean you are impossibly lost, it means you need a flashlight. I just want to be that flashlight... for someone in the dark. I want Jesus to use my pain and my tears and all of the guilty feelings of complaining every time I try to talk about my family or our life.
Only.God.knows.  I never imagined what it meant to be deeply depressed before. I never understood the pain of the misconceptions people have toward an unwilling person in pain. It's so easy to assume you know why...when in reality ...I don't know why. I just know it's hard to breathe in suffocating circumstances.  I also know it's scary being alone in the dark. It's terrible to feel like you can't explain to ANYONE exactly how you really feel or especially what all you are living through because it's just to much like being a whiny baby...or the person you avoid because they list everything that's wrong with them...in.detail.
When it is the hardest thing you've ever done to get out of bed. It's incredibly hard to get ready... to.go.anywhere.  It's excruciating to meet family and friends because you have no idea how to answer that neverending question of...how are you...or even worse....how is your husband.
I can remember when I could not imagine the things I live with everyday. I sure miss those times of happy blissful ignorance... cause this pain...this neverending
....solitude...well it's the hardest thing I've ever known. I am so glad I do have Jesus! I would not even want to breathe another second without him.
This is my life. As good, as bad, and as ugly as it gets...I have a heaven to gain and a hell to shun.
Sometimes it's the little things that cut the deepest.
Miss you......I'm hearing you need to pray through and get yourself back to church every service......I'm just trying to survive from second to second. I'm just trying to figure out how I can breathe.
I cannot stop. I cannot ever stop... because I have my precious husband who needs me to love and support him...and I have our three blessings from God who need me to help them to keep breathing... because the pain is greater.... but I have to keep reminding myself and all of them...that Godis.greater.

God has our backs. The battle is His and victory is sweet.

No, I do not feel victorious, but I dare to believe my Savior, my redeemer, my best friend....my father in heaven...Jesus!

I also think about how many times little comments cause me the most pain...and the person who said it doesn't have any idea how painful it is...and I pray that I don't use words to hurt...I pray I use words that only uplift my Savior... I pray I use words to point everyone to Jesus.

Sigh....OK I'm done with the soapbox....for now.....next......

Monday Mini-thoughts (:

Today I thought about friends. Everyone has friends. There are different types of friends, and I can choose which type of friend I will be.
Fun time friend: there with bells on ready to play. If problems arise they are quick to say ...see you later.
Crowd pleaser: one of the crowd. When the crowd leaves you behind...so does this friend.
Religious friend: is your friend but only if you attend their church and live the way they do.
Garbage man friend: always there for you to hear all the garbage they have in their landfill minds.
Forever friends: are there for you in the good, the bad, and especially in the ugly. They help when needed and give you space when needed. Years may pass between meetings...but these friends can pick up right where they left off.

I wanna be a forever friend.  The Bible says the way to have a friend is to be one.
When I become the type of friend I so long for...God will bless me with the right forever friends. He's awesome like that!

Wassup

It's been real.
As Forest Gump said, That's all I have to say about that. (:
My goodness, time is swiftly passing by isn't it? I cannot believe the second semester has begun and spring is quickly approaching. Easter will be here soon and SpRiNg BrEaK! Oh my goodness...life is like a merry go round. Faster and faster...and then it stops.
I want days to remember with smiles and laughter. Friends and family. Pictures. Reunions. Love.
Kids are growing up so fast. All made A/B honor roll(; yay! Dd got her Beta club certificate and pin, and her Spanish 1 pin...oh that big event will be here before I know it. Ugh.
Ds will graduate 6th grade. They took cap n gown pics. (:
Baby ds is reading up a storm, loving Amelia Bedelia and Frog and Toad are Friends. (:

Here's to life...serving Jesus has the best rewards! Follow Him!