It's easy to assume you know what a person is thinking. It's easy to believe someone else can just do it. It's easy to make cute little sunshine filled comments to people who are down in the dumps.
It's hard to be down in the dumps. It's hard to live with a chronic illness. It's hard to have your whole world turned upside down. It's hard to hear the sunshine filled cute little comments when you just need a hug or even acknowledgement that the trial is real. It's hard to hear comments about missing you in church when you are just trying to breathe.
I can not imagine going one more second alone, and I.am.so.very.glad.Jesus.still. believes.in.me. I'm so glad I have lived thru these things because it has painfully opened my eyes to how smiles and cheer filled comments are not always the balm needed to ease some of the pain.
Though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death, thou art with me. Psalm 23
When you walk through the dark, it is a scary thing, it doesn't mean you are impossibly lost, it means you need a flashlight. I just want to be that flashlight... for someone in the dark. I want Jesus to use my pain and my tears and all of the guilty feelings of complaining every time I try to talk about my family or our life.
Only.God.knows. I never imagined what it meant to be deeply depressed before. I never understood the pain of the misconceptions people have toward an unwilling person in pain. It's so easy to assume you know why...when in reality ...I don't know why. I just know it's hard to breathe in suffocating circumstances. I also know it's scary being alone in the dark. It's terrible to feel like you can't explain to ANYONE exactly how you really feel or especially what all you are living through because it's just to much like being a whiny baby...or the person you avoid because they list everything that's wrong with them...in.detail.
When it is the hardest thing you've ever done to get out of bed. It's incredibly hard to get ready... to.go.anywhere. It's excruciating to meet family and friends because you have no idea how to answer that neverending question of...how are you...or even worse....how is your husband.
I can remember when I could not imagine the things I live with everyday. I sure miss those times of happy blissful ignorance... cause this pain...this neverending
....solitude...well it's the hardest thing I've ever known. I am so glad I do have Jesus! I would not even want to breathe another second without him.
This is my life. As good, as bad, and as ugly as it gets...I have a heaven to gain and a hell to shun.
Sometimes it's the little things that cut the deepest.
Miss you......I'm hearing you need to pray through and get yourself back to church every service......I'm just trying to survive from second to second. I'm just trying to figure out how I can breathe.
I cannot stop. I cannot ever stop... because I have my precious husband who needs me to love and support him...and I have our three blessings from God who need me to help them to keep breathing... because the pain is greater.... but I have to keep reminding myself and all of them...that Godis.greater.
God has our backs. The battle is His and victory is sweet.
No, I do not feel victorious, but I dare to believe my Savior, my redeemer, my best friend....my father in heaven...Jesus!
I also think about how many times little comments cause me the most pain...and the person who said it doesn't have any idea how painful it is...and I pray that I don't use words to hurt...I pray I use words that only uplift my Savior... I pray I use words to point everyone to Jesus.
Sigh....OK I'm done with the soapbox....for now.....next......
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