Wait

Waiting has always been tough on me, but it was especially tough when I was forced to wait on test results that could change my life. The doctor spotted a mass and so I had to have further testing to see if it might be cancer. Cancer, in my mind, brings death. I realize that there are many cancer survivors... and for that I am very thankful. Yet, when I had to wait on the results, the grimness of the possibilities tormented my mind. What would happen to my husband and my children? Would they remember me? I was thirteen years old when my own birth mother died in a automobile accident. My brothers were eleven and seven. We do not remember very much about her at all. God blessed us with another Momma, and she raised us very well. To begin with, I fought her tooth and nail... (after all, I do have auburn hair, and I was her step child) but over the years, a bond grew between us, and now I love her so much, that I cannot imagine her not being in my life. Being a Mom is more than giving birth, it is sticking with the children through thick and thin. For better or for worse. Until death do us part. The Real McCoy... so to speak. It is being there, not only for the award ceremonies but also for the broken hearts of teenage relationships. It is listening to you at two in the morning as you talk about some crazy boy, and then getting up at five in the same morning to go to your job. My Mom has always been there for me when I needed her. She stuck with me even when my Dad disowned me. So, the chances of my children actually remembering me would be slim. What would they be told about me? I even was tormented about my laundry... I mean I thought... "If I die today, someone will see that I am behind on my laundry" ... that really bothered me! I am being for real! It is amazing at the thoughts that rush through your head as you wait. Wait means to remain inactive or in a state of repose, as until something expected happens. I can't say I was inactive... but I was definitely preoccupied with the question about the outcome of the tests. Because I was unsure of the results, my husband and I decided not to tell very many people. I told my sister in law, my aunt, my friend at church, my friend from holiness home educators, and my husband told our pastor, his parents, and a friend of his from church. I did not tell my Momma, because we live several hours apart, and I didn't want her to worry unless the results were bad. I had to wait for two days. Finally, the call came, and the nurse told me my ultrasound was normal. I thanked her and hung up. That was that. No crying, maybe because I had already cried so much out of worry. No jumping up and down, because our children were in the room with me, and they didn't know anything about any of it. They did ask who called, and I told them my doctor. They asked me why, and I said to tell me I am normal. They liked that! I never thought about the way waiting can affect you. I have known many people who had to wait on results and I never really thought about it. I guess I thought that the worry would come if the results were bad... not during the waiting... but the unknown is sometimes more scary than knowing something bad is coming. When you know something bad is coming, you can prepare... but when you don't know... it is so uncontrollable. I like to be in control of my life. As a Christian, I realize that God is the One who should be in control, and He is, but I like to know as much as I can so I can be prepared. Last night, I had to get to the place where I honestly felt that no matter what the results were, I would be okay, because God's plan is always perfect. He never says "oops"! I say it more often than I like! I am so thankful that I can trust Him with the uncontrollable things in my life, and know that His ways are always best. He never makes mistakes. Once I remembered that, I slept just fine, and waiting was so much easier. The only real peace that I have comes from my God!